So, you guys getting tired of me flaking off for long periods of time and then posting a blog post about all the crap going on. Well, me too. This one will be a little different because I want to talk about some things that I have been very hesitant to discuss and this coming from a person who came out as a transwoman so it must be something huge that I never mentioned right. Surprise its in my twitter bio but I have always shied away from discussing my issues where my brain does not function like most people’s mind does. A couple reasons, one pretty much my entire life I have been told that if I just got my shit together then my problems would go away, two when I have brought it up to people around me, I have frequently gotten either that stuff is not real or you know I don’t see that in you. (Probably third is internalized ableism but let’s not turn this into too much of a counseling session.)
It’s probably not a shock to long time readers or my friends that I have been in counseling for a bit. I have officially been diagnosed with a couple of issues dealing with anxiety, depression and that I am neurodivergent, more specifically I have AUAD. That means I have symptoms both of attention deficient disorder and being on the autism spectrum. See there is that internalized ableism popping up, a medical professional has diagnosed me being autistic and I can’t even really say it. (Ok write it). Now to head off some people heading to the comment section and or my family shaking their head at me. There are a couple things that I need to tell people about the autism spectrum. First professional rate ASD on a scale of how much assistance is needed from a level one that requires support but can with some handrails can operate in society more or less to level three which requires substantial support. Second, like it says right there in the name it’s a spectrum it covers a variety of symptoms, and each individual might have more of one some than the others. Third is the concept of masking. Masking is where a person with disabilities hides them from people so that they do not face more prejudice. This is not an easy thing to do, and it takes a tole on the person, so that when they are in private they frequently shut down and are unable to function.
Which brings us to the last couple of weeks. I recently quit my day job to try and do this full time and that has led to some problems, one, us neurodivergents hate to have a schedule disrupted, two a lot of self-induced pressure and three the loss of my insurance for a month. That resulted in my being without both my ADHD and diabetes meds. Then I decided it would be a good idea to attend a convention and interact with tons of strangers, something I am not good at on my best day. I got through it, got to see some cool games and art but when I got home, I was done, and I have been having a difficult time recovering to get back to being productive. Thus, the no new content and people waiting for me to interview them. What does all this mean? What the fuck am I going to do about it? I have been trying to figure this out. I think what I need to do is accept that I am always going to be a little flaky, that I am going to have to accept that I have limitations. That is just like a person with a bum knee can’t run a marathon and should not feel about that I need to accept that I will need some accommodations to get through my work. This is very contrary to the way I was raised but I think I need to give it a shot. I also think I need to focus my efforts I have been trying to have a website that is everything for every queer person and while I think that is what the world needs, I think I have to pick the things that I have passion for and enjoy and just make sure to facilitate as much representation as I can. It also means I will be making time for my own creative projects.
So, I hope everyone sticks with me as we evolve. If you are right now thinking I am being lazy or somehow seeking attention so I will seem special. Then go on with your good life and don’t look back, I won’t miss you. Now onto the first steps on a slower but hopefully more peaceful and productive process. Wish me luck.