Just another day
The alarm goes off
For the fourth time
And
The monologue starts
“get up you piece of shit”
“get up you piece of shit”
“get up you piece of shit”
I stumbled to bath room
Head down as I enter
Avoiding the gaze of the mirror
I place my head against the wall
Focusing against the thoughts
Raging thru my brain
Work, family,
the people I have disappointed
the art I have not created
I close my eyes
And my hand tightens around my hair
Smashing my head into the wall
I feel the plaster crack
And a brief moment of distraction
Emerges
Entering the shower
my hands run over the hair on my body
a clear example of who I am not
a small scream slips out
a blur later I am on the road
the drive to work
too long
too short
the truck up ahead
stops
and my foot teeters
between
the gas
the brake
a moment later the car
surges
but then
I slow the vehicle
What right do I have
To drag a stranger into my hell
What right do I have
To transfer my pain
to my wife
to my child
the drive continues
the sad performance for one
over
for if I was truly in pain
I would have done it
A blur later
I sit at my desk
Place the headphones on
Closing out the world
See an email from
A Friend
And the shadow retreats
A step